The Demise of Ice Cream: Two Years Later
by Mark Dunphy
April 30th marks the two year anniversary of the last time a Braintree High student ate a scoop of ice cream. Thanks to the Food Services Department’s heroic decision to stop serving ice cream during lunch, no student has tasted the evil concoction of ice and cream for twelve glorious months. The scourge of childhood obesity has been completely eradicated from the halls of BHS.
A source from inside the Food Department said, “It’s really incredible. We were hoping to stop students from eating ice cream by 2017 but we’ve already reached our target. Not a single student has tasted a scoop of ice cream, in or out of school, since 11:23 A.M. on April 30th, 2012.” The source added, “As I’m sure everybody noticed, the ban has worked perfectly and students have completely changed their diets. There’s so much more room in the lunch lines now without any overweight kids.”
BHS News tried to schedule an interview with a group of students fighting the ban on ice cream, but they disappeared early Monday morning from the breakfast line. A representative from the Food Department told me that the students were “taking some much needed time off from schoolwork” and could be contacted by calling a telephone number listed for Guantanamo Bay.
A Class of 2009 graduate of BHS spoke to me via teleconference. He was unable to leave the darkness of his mother’s basement, surrounded by tubs of Ben and Jerry’s, to chat to me in person. He said, “I wish the Food Department banned ice cream when I was in high school before I got addicted. Maybe all of this would have been different.”
One freshman, who never experienced the terrible beauty that was a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream after lunch, did not understand my questions about the anniversary. “I thought Braintree High students always went to their block six class hungry. Are you telling me that there used to be a small serving of pure happiness after a nutritious lunch that filled the students hearts as well as their stomachs, and sent them back to class with a twinkle in their eye and a thirst for knowledge?”, the freshman asked. Yes, my freshman friends, one day long ago that was reality. Thankfully, we were rescued from that nightmare by the Food Department’s ban.
As we gather in the cafeteria on April 30th to mark this momentous occasion, students are encouraged to wear a Michelle Obama “Let’s Move” T-shirt and celebrate with a delicious treat from the new healthy foods vending machine.